For the first time in a long time, I drove again. I stole mum’s car because mine’s nowhere to be found anymore and I’ve got no idea as to how that could be. I drove around the city for hours— never considering my speed, never thinking about the direction, never stopping, never knowing where to go, never wanting to find out where I want to go. And I felt rather lost than refreshed, for no plausible reason.

          It felt like everything I’ve ever hoped and planned for are now slowly vanishing away from the canvas I’ve painted it all on and from the planner I’ve scribbled it all down. It felt like all the things I’ve held on are the same things that made me give in. And I don’t feel like I’m back to where I started where I had nothing and no one. I feel like I’m back to being nothing— nothing, nothing, nothing.

          I’ve been losing more than I’ve got.

          Because I want to die now and there’s nothing I can do to make myself feel better and no words could ever convey how I feel at the moment, jhcxwkjhf gherwif heiirehfi gheichihcehrfkcns fasfop ufgowpaufo wjgvsnvkg gugpoegoewjogje hghdgwehyighe ghhdihgk hegklewbneb hfgvwvc adsaddefw3udw qufwehgjsdbv afafalhf fwhfwlfglas bcva!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          Just when you finally let go of everything— of every single thing that hurt you in the past, there’s always some shite that comes running to your direction— halting you, slowing down your moving forward, wanting you to turn around again— to see the motherfucking view you just decided to forget about— and making you feel some feelings you don’t deserve to feel. And before you even know it, you’re back where you started again… trapped in the suffocating room of darkness and pain.

          “Congratulations”, you say. “Congratulations”, you say it again. “Congratulations,” you say it over and over again.

          Congratulations for what? For effortlessly succeeding in torturing you yet again. But congratulations to who? You’ve got no idea.

          I wish I would die.

          On the contrary, I’ve said those words out loud many times and meant it. The only sad thing about it is that it never seem to happen. I guess that’s just the way it really is— you wish hard for something but you find yourself getting nowhere near achieving it.

          Life is a bitch like that. Dareen, when will you ever learn?

Well the thing about me is… all those seemingly scary things never really scared me. It’s like I was born wrapped inside a thick and sticky layer of infinite numbness.

Pain never meant anything. Death was never a threat to my existence.

So what am I, then? Where do I belong? Where does Dareen belong? Does she really belong somewhere? Or was her existence here just some sort of an accident?

          Thank you so much for those words. I won’t publish it on my blog because I don’t want to lose it and I’d like to make it a mnemonic for me to go on. It’s been ages since I received that kind of message from someone so let me just freak out here for a bit with my heart melting all over the place. I know it’s also silly of me to feel this way— whatever this is I’m feeling now— because I know deep down that it’ll just pass and things are gonna get worse and people are gonna fuck up even more and those who you think are always there for you are gonna leave before you even know it and I’m gonna pressure myself even harder and be more incoherent in the future and I won’t make any sense at all.

          A part of me wants to know who you are but I’m afraid there’s this even larger part of me that would rather not know you for the sole reason of not wanting to screw things up again. I know that doesn’t make any sense. The ‘screw things up’ bit, I mean.

          I’m sorry. I know this shouldn’t be the way I’m replying to your message. I apologise again. But thank you. Thank you.

          Don’t even get me started about how many times I’ve got myself into trouble. Hiding behind the door, crying and blabbering desperately and helplessly, almost praying for them not to find me, and wanting— wanting so bad for my eyes to shut and my body to rest for a very long time until everything’s just over.

          Sitting in a prison cell, having all their stern eyes looking down on me, making me feel so little, asking me questions with their words so distant I could hardly hear a thing, waiting for me to speak and say the words they want to hear. Well guess what, wankers? I think I’m failing my major subjects in College and I don’t have any idea what to do with my life anymore!!!

You don’t know it but this is for you. You might be reading this now or you’ll read this later or maybe tomorrow or next day or whenever. But this is for you and only you.

I’m just happy to know that someone’s there for you right now and your smile’s finally real this time.